Self-reassurance

19 03 2009

Today watching the VCU / UCLA game on TV, I saw a commercial for Saturn that disgusted me. The copy went something like:

{with slightly overwrought sense of down-home-iness} “I keep hearing all these pundits talk about how Americans don’t make any cars that Americans want to buy.

[pause]

Well, Saturn makes cars Americans want to buy!”

The copy goes on to intimate that driving a competitor’s car, and then a Saturn, would make the difference very clear.

I’ve known many people, most of them friends, who’ve owned Saturns. Here’s a sampling of a few things that’ve happened to those friends:

* After about 4-6 years, car begins to use/burn oil. As in, all the oil in the pan.

* In less than 5 years, power windows turn into permanently closed windows.

* Two different friends got into accidents that were fairly minor (no one was hurt). Both friends’ Saturns came out of said accidents looking like a shit Popsicle that someone had just microwaved and flung at a wall.

No offense to you Saturn addicts out there (I’m sure there are tons of you, at least as many as there are people dying to mouthfuck Gary Busey), but Saturns are not cars Americans want to buy. They are cars Americans settle for because while they really want a Toyota, they’ll trade 40% of a Toyota’s reliability to reduce the sticker price by 25-35%.

Congratulations, Saturn. You’re the less voluptuous, minorly awkward girl America wants to begrudgingly feel up because Heidi Klum has married an R&B singer with a face like a shark attack and no one can figure it out.

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